The Q Series

Sie befinden sich hier: HOMESketches → Elephants

African Elephants

DOCTOR'S SURGERY. THE DOCTOR IS BELABOURING THE BODY OF A MAN ON THE BED. HE IS BEATING HIM WITH A HUGE MALLET.

Doctor: Say ninety-nine.

Patient: Ninety-nine.

Doctor: (finishing) Are you sure you wouldn't rather had the operation?

Patient: No, no.

Doctor: But these days appendicitis is a very simple operation.

Patient: No, It's cheaper that way.

Doctor: Are you on B-U-P-A?

Patient: No, I'm on D-O-L-E.

DOCTOR GIVES TERRIBLE LOOK A CAMERA.

CAPTION: THINKS. THERE GOES THE MONTE CARLO HOLIDAY

DOOR OPENS, SPIKE ENTERS AS OLD BILL FATHER FIGURE. HE IS ACCOMPANIED BY SCHOOLBOY IN SHORT TROUSERS, GLASSES, ACNE, ILL-FITTING BLAZER.

Doctor: Ah Lord Jellicoe. Do sit down. I see the lad's still got it.

Spike: Yus. We've had to keep him off school.

Doctor: Well I've got the report from the pathologists. And it's as I thought.

Spike: What is it?

Doctor: It's £ 56. But it confirms the symptoms. Your boy has got elephants.

Spike: My Tarquin - with elephants?

DRAMATIC CHORDS

Doctor: He got them very badly. They're low down!

Spike: Thank you for giving me the low-down, doc.

Doctor: Excuse me.

WALKS OVER AND HITS PATIENT WITH A MALLET.

Spike: Is he an out-patient?

Doctor: Not, but he soon will be. Now just have a look at this slide of Tarquin's blood.

DOCTOR PUTS SLIDE IN MICROSCOPE. GO TO BLACK AND SHOW CIRCULAR SLIDE ON SCREEN AS THROUGH MICROSCOPE. ITS BROUGHT INTO FOCUS TO SHOW SOME SOFT PORN FEMALE NUDES.

Doctor: I'm sorry, that's Lord Longford's slide.

PULL FOCUS AND REVEAL HERD OF BROWSING AFRICAN ELEPHANTS.

Doctor: You can see how concentrated they are.

Spike: Are they dangerous doc?

Doctor: Yes...if you're down wind you get it.

RASBERRY

PHONE RINGS, SPIKE PICKS IT UP.

Spike: Hello Admiral Jellicoe speaking. (puts hand over phone) Have I got time for the battle of Jutland?

Doctor: Well, personally, I haven't much time for it. All right, just this once.

CUT TO FILM OF BATTLE OF JUTLAND. CUT BACK TO DOCTOR'S SURGERY. SPIKE REENTERS NOW DRESSED AS LORD NELSON.

Doctor: Ah - ! Run, elephants!

WE SEE THE BLOOD SLICE AGAIN. THE ELEPHANTS ARE GETTING AGITATED.

Doctor: Since you've been away his condition has deteriorated. You can see his pachyderms have increased.

Spike: Well, the get bigger as you grow older.

SUDDENDLY WE SEE THE ELPHANTS TURN TOWARDS CAMER AND LOOK MENACING.

Doctor: My God...look out...they're going to charge.

Spike: I bet they 'aint going to charge as much as you.

Doctor: Run for you lives!

NOISE OF ELEPHANTS CHARGING. CUT BETWEEN SLIDE AND SURGERY AS THE REACH THE DOOR OF THE SURGERY. THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN, STANDING THERE WITH HUGE OPEN BELL BLUNDERBUSS IS A FULL STEWART GRANGER GREAT WHITE HUNTER TYPE. HE FIRES GUN AT THE DOCTOR, NELSON AND THE LAD.

Hunter: So perish all poachers of the Queen's Ivory!

CHEERS OF A VAST CROWD. THE END